Mrcecil’s Blog

I have a friend, let’s call him Adam. Adam likes to meet new people. Adam makes friends with everyone. He knows the mailman’s name. And your mailman’s name. He can run in for a pack of gum and come back with a story and a new friend’s phone number that he’ll store in his cell phone and never use.

“Adam” (for that is his name) will shovel the walkway and driveway of everyone on his block. He’ll take a Saturday and help a neighbor he sort-of knows sheet rock a wing or two of their house. If you hurt your back, he’ll go to the grocery store (or at least attempt to delegate that to his lady friend. No dice, by the way).

I always thought it was an aching need to be loved by anyone living on the periphery of his life. Fringe friends. Tertiary characters they’re called on TV shows. Not the main cast of characters on Seinfeld, not even Newman. More like Uncle Leo. Adam has a ton of Uncle Leo friends. “He-llo!” (Oh, he breaks it down syllabically in the wrong place. No wonder it’s so funny when he says it!) That’s not the issue though.

The problem is that Adam is a little too free with doling out the “Awesome” badge. For example, there’s an old guy that drives his Rascal wheelchair up and down his street. At first he would pull up and bend Adam’s ear for an hour or two (there’s nothing he loves more than a four hour conversation). Then he started asking for things. Empty cans. T shirts. Soon, Adam was taking the empty cans his lady person would want to cash in and give them to…let’s call the old man, Gerry. Then more t-shirts. Then Gerry started making random requests and Adam did his best to actually fill the orders. Gerry wants fancy rims on his wheelchair? Spinners? Adam was on it! Why? Because the first day he met Gerry, when he rolled away Adam said, “That guy’s awesome!”

Now, Adam is also the same guy that thinks the movie Kung Pow is awesome. So it’s a sliding scale.

Actually, Adam either thinks something is the greatest thing ever (Did you know Sip n Dip is the greatest coffee place in these parts? Suck it Dunkin Donuts, Bess Eaton, Tim Hortons, and McDonalds!) or the worst thing ever invented. He speaks in superlatives. I suggested to my best lady friend, let’s call her his fiancee (or not, since she doesn’t care for that word), that he should sign endorsement deals. Put his face on billboards around Fall River, New Bedford, Providence!

“Take it from me, Adam, when I want the best Lasik eye surgery I go to Dr. Farrell! Now I have the greatest eyes in the world! They were made with lasers!”

A little side note here. Once Adam and I were out looking at a truck and on the way home we saw the most generic company name I’ve ever seen: “Manufactured Products”. I thought about and quickly came up with an equally fitting slogan: “Manufactured Products: Our Products – Are Made”. If that wasn’t funny, I guess you’d have to hear how I said it, because my timing? Was deadly. Try hitting the word Made harder this time. And pause ever so slightly at the dash. I’ll wait… No? Whatever.

And we’re back.

If we’re at a bar and some guy is drunk and straddling that line between amusingly drunk and knocking my beer in my wife’s lap, Adam will laugh, nod, and emphatically say, “That guy’s awesome!”

I always respond the same way: “Why?” or “How is he awesome?” or “Then how are we all not awesome?” or “Do you mean to say ‘Awesome’ with some sarcastic inflection you’re forgetting to use?” or “What the color of the sky in your world?”

I’m not antisocial myself but I don’t feel the need to be up in my neighbors business. I’m happy with my mailman’s name being “How’s it going?” I’m as sympathetic to old men in wheelchairs as the next guy (Alright, perhaps a little less if I get the sense they’re a pain in the balls) but I don’t find myself at the mercy of their every whim. I know any potential long winded conversation can be wrapped up with a perfectly placed “Alright then…”. Hell, I’ll even dig in my pocket, adjust the volume of my ringtone and “answer” my cell phone. Something tells me it’s an emergency!

Also, when I do attempt to engage random people in small talk, I usually get this look like I just asked, “So just how often do you beat your wife?” It’s so bad that if a girl actually talks back to me and engages in some polite conversation I go home thinking I’ve just been flirted with.

I don’t have “it”. That quality that makes people want to talk to me. And anyone that does know me knows it’s not that bad. Sure, I can take a one sentence story and sidetrack myself back to last week, but so what? Most people barely pretend to listen anyway. Some times people actually break away and start up a new conversation with someone on the side of me while I’m still going. Like their brain goes, “This is boring, I’m bored now. Click.” Sometimes it’s really quick too. Like, really quick. And it’s not a group setting where I can just move eye contact to the next victim. Nope, now I’m just talking to myself. That, honestly, makes me angry. Like, I don’t command or ask for respect, but that just seems downright rude. Hey! *snap snap* I’m talking to you!

Anyway, I myself am not quick with the Awesome tag. If I like someone I like to think that actually means something. So you, person reading my blog, I think you’re alright. Do you not feel special? Because if you don’t, I’m running off buttons that says, “John Thinks I’m Swell” with me giving the thumbs up. Supplies are limited.